ioana
in quest for genuine
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About Me
- Name: ioana
- Location: Bucharest, Romania
I experiment with myself and the world around me. I always seek for that small sparkle of what's real and authentic in things, people, nature...
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Thursday, July 13, 2006
thoughts over solitude
One thing about girls: at some point in our discussion, we always end up talking about men. What we do with our man, how great we get along, how we want to find a man if we don’t have one. It’s like all my girlfriends who have relations forgot to talk about anything else, and all those who don’t are always lamenting about wanting one. May I ask: what is so damn scary about being single?
I guess homo sapiens really is a social creature. Fear of loneliness is a common thing for most of us, and we develop new and new ways to run away from it. Enjoying solitude is a skill. And like most skills, it takes some time to acquire.
So I am single! And if I am to really admit it, I’ve been single for the past oh well, couple of years. And I too wanted to escape it, and to be in a relationship. And subsequently along these years I made several attempts of building a relationship. A number of times I was really close too. But somehow I would always wake up one morning with an inner voice saying it’s time to move on. Not because of the guys, they were really great, but because I simply didn’t belong there. Surprisingly enough, faking a relation is pretty easy. Faking yourself is the hard part.
Only after I realized that no relationship is better than fake relationships, I started to spend more time with this significant other in my life: me. In almost every couple that I’ve been, I was actually looking for myself. Or better said, a reflection of myself through the other’s eyes. It’s very comforting to have someone besides you to remind you constantly how beautiful, intelligent and extraordinary you are. Far better than having only you to tell that to yourself, wouldn’t you think?
Being single woke up some fears I didn’t know I had: some really hard days ending with some really lonely nights; no one to reassure I’m thin enough, my bum is the right size, and no, I don’t look old; even a fear of the dark as I slept all alone in the house.
I first had to accept I have these fears, which were more fit to an insecure teenager, than to the sophisticated-bold-and-strong projection of myself I created. Then, dropping the fears and learning to accept and even love the things I was insecure of. Even now I still quite some steps to take on the long journey of learning how to love myself.
Funny, how it always comes down to love. Loving myself doesn’t mean I’m sitting always in front of the mirror, or that I am self centered and I only talk about me. It means I accept my body with all its goods and bads, I nurture and spoil it. It means I can sit at home in the evening, without turning on the TV, just sitting and thinking. It means I can go out and eat alone, without hiding behind a book, or scrapping in my agenda. Simply enjoying my meal. Alone.
“Ogres are like onions, we have layers”. While I hope ogre applies to me only in hang-over late Sunday mornings, I like the onion comparison from Shrek. I’m determined to remove all my layers, to drop insecurities and fears until I reach the bulb. After only dropping a few of these clothes, and I can already feel like I’m touching my deepest source of energy.
I guess homo sapiens really is a social creature. Fear of loneliness is a common thing for most of us, and we develop new and new ways to run away from it. Enjoying solitude is a skill. And like most skills, it takes some time to acquire.
So I am single! And if I am to really admit it, I’ve been single for the past oh well, couple of years. And I too wanted to escape it, and to be in a relationship. And subsequently along these years I made several attempts of building a relationship. A number of times I was really close too. But somehow I would always wake up one morning with an inner voice saying it’s time to move on. Not because of the guys, they were really great, but because I simply didn’t belong there. Surprisingly enough, faking a relation is pretty easy. Faking yourself is the hard part.
Only after I realized that no relationship is better than fake relationships, I started to spend more time with this significant other in my life: me. In almost every couple that I’ve been, I was actually looking for myself. Or better said, a reflection of myself through the other’s eyes. It’s very comforting to have someone besides you to remind you constantly how beautiful, intelligent and extraordinary you are. Far better than having only you to tell that to yourself, wouldn’t you think?
Being single woke up some fears I didn’t know I had: some really hard days ending with some really lonely nights; no one to reassure I’m thin enough, my bum is the right size, and no, I don’t look old; even a fear of the dark as I slept all alone in the house.
I first had to accept I have these fears, which were more fit to an insecure teenager, than to the sophisticated-bold-and-strong projection of myself I created. Then, dropping the fears and learning to accept and even love the things I was insecure of. Even now I still quite some steps to take on the long journey of learning how to love myself.
Funny, how it always comes down to love. Loving myself doesn’t mean I’m sitting always in front of the mirror, or that I am self centered and I only talk about me. It means I accept my body with all its goods and bads, I nurture and spoil it. It means I can sit at home in the evening, without turning on the TV, just sitting and thinking. It means I can go out and eat alone, without hiding behind a book, or scrapping in my agenda. Simply enjoying my meal. Alone.
“Ogres are like onions, we have layers”. While I hope ogre applies to me only in hang-over late Sunday mornings, I like the onion comparison from Shrek. I’m determined to remove all my layers, to drop insecurities and fears until I reach the bulb. After only dropping a few of these clothes, and I can already feel like I’m touching my deepest source of energy.
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