ioana
in quest for genuine
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About Me
- Name: ioana
- Location: Bucharest, Romania
I experiment with myself and the world around me. I always seek for that small sparkle of what's real and authentic in things, people, nature...
Archive
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Argentina
Another month travelling! I don't remember the last time I told you how much I love my job, but I REALLY LOVE MY JOB!!
I'm looking for some ideas to include in my schedule. I'm looking for something less touristy, and more like adventure travel. So far the ideas are horse riding in the pampas, trekking in Patagonia and some climbing. Anyone been diving there? I'd love to try the underwaters!
Oh, and one more adventure to the list: a tango in Buenos Aires! I hope Dragos is up to the challenge, because my dance moves are so rusty that I don't think I remember the basic steps!
So....ideas?
I'm looking for some ideas to include in my schedule. I'm looking for something less touristy, and more like adventure travel. So far the ideas are horse riding in the pampas, trekking in Patagonia and some climbing. Anyone been diving there? I'd love to try the underwaters!
Oh, and one more adventure to the list: a tango in Buenos Aires! I hope Dragos is up to the challenge, because my dance moves are so rusty that I don't think I remember the basic steps!
So....ideas?
Friday, November 21, 2008
No sound, just words
My sound device collapsed three days ago. Three days without music, hour after hour. In desperation, I resorted to poetry. I'm not much into lyrics, but there are a few writings very close to my heart. This is one:
Only
That Illumined
One
Who keeps
Seducing the formless into form
Had the charm to win my
Heart.
Only a Perfect One
Who is always
Laughing at the word
Two
Can make you know
Of
Love
That Illumined
One
Who keeps
Seducing the formless into form
Had the charm to win my
Heart.
Only a Perfect One
Who is always
Laughing at the word
Two
Can make you know
Of
Love
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The discipline of indiscipline
The days of my childhood were some of the most disciplined of my life. Like following a plan, I had a fix framework, with certain times scheduled for different moments. There was a time for school, a time for play, a time for homework. Within these lines I could draw my own freedom, if I’d start with the math homework or with my literature one, if I’d play with Amy or with Pam. And that freedom was enough. Discipline was the engine my family was using to keep a drop of control on our lives.
As I grew up I used the same discipline to fuel my ambitions. Sport training, three times a week, two hours each, two long running laps, ten short ones. Math school championships, make exercises five times a week, one hour a day, two sets each time. And I kept on like this until the end of my high school years. Weekdays were for study and sports. Saturdays were for coffees with girls and clubbing. Sundays were for family visits.
But at one point I felt I had enough. Moving away from home especially made me realize I have all the freedom I want, and I don’t need any schedule, no discipline. There wasn’t a fix program for school anymore. Nor did I have special days to meet with my friends. Everything was just hectic and barging in on me. So I roamed on freedom! Not only I embraced it happily, but I took it to absolute limits. And this led to extremes. One weekday I would go clubbing till early morning, the next I would spend it all in classes. I developed a special skill to discipline myself in being undisciplined. I hated the idea of going back to the way it was before. So whenever I noticed to follow a certain routine I did all possible to break it. So my only routine became the lack of routing. Which is….I don’t know, completely liberating, at least this is how it felt.
But now it just feels exhausting. You know how it feels when you need to stop smoking? Cut drinking? Start a diet? Basically to kill a routine and start another. PAINFUL! And yes, every once in awhile you need to say “awww, just screw it this time, I’ll eat some junk food!” That is healthy (for your mind and soul, not for your diet). But I say that “screw it” after every second time of doing something. Like first time is cool, second time is nice, but third time’s a bitch. Which would be cool and everything, if it weren’t for my “disciplined childhood background”. Basically I’m the nerdy little girl who ran loose and now feels guilty about it.
Guilt. Yep, that’s exactly what it is! For example my nerdy self says “I’m losing my shape, I should start on some running”. After running a couple of times my wicked self comes in “You know, you ran for two weeks in a row, how about seeing your friends now?”
Nerdy: “You’re already too tired to be running AND going out. You know you NEED the running!!”
Wicked: “Nobody’s dying if you skip this one. And haven’t seen the guys in AGES”
Nerdy: “AGES, exactly! That’s what it’ll take you to get back in shape if you keep on like this”
Wicked: “Come on, you DO need some chilling. You still have that muscular fever”
Me: “Tired…did you say TIRED? That’s exactly how I feel DEAD tired! How about grabbing a book and just going to bed?!”
As I grew up I used the same discipline to fuel my ambitions. Sport training, three times a week, two hours each, two long running laps, ten short ones. Math school championships, make exercises five times a week, one hour a day, two sets each time. And I kept on like this until the end of my high school years. Weekdays were for study and sports. Saturdays were for coffees with girls and clubbing. Sundays were for family visits.
But at one point I felt I had enough. Moving away from home especially made me realize I have all the freedom I want, and I don’t need any schedule, no discipline. There wasn’t a fix program for school anymore. Nor did I have special days to meet with my friends. Everything was just hectic and barging in on me. So I roamed on freedom! Not only I embraced it happily, but I took it to absolute limits. And this led to extremes. One weekday I would go clubbing till early morning, the next I would spend it all in classes. I developed a special skill to discipline myself in being undisciplined. I hated the idea of going back to the way it was before. So whenever I noticed to follow a certain routine I did all possible to break it. So my only routine became the lack of routing. Which is….I don’t know, completely liberating, at least this is how it felt.
But now it just feels exhausting. You know how it feels when you need to stop smoking? Cut drinking? Start a diet? Basically to kill a routine and start another. PAINFUL! And yes, every once in awhile you need to say “awww, just screw it this time, I’ll eat some junk food!” That is healthy (for your mind and soul, not for your diet). But I say that “screw it” after every second time of doing something. Like first time is cool, second time is nice, but third time’s a bitch. Which would be cool and everything, if it weren’t for my “disciplined childhood background”. Basically I’m the nerdy little girl who ran loose and now feels guilty about it.
Guilt. Yep, that’s exactly what it is! For example my nerdy self says “I’m losing my shape, I should start on some running”. After running a couple of times my wicked self comes in “You know, you ran for two weeks in a row, how about seeing your friends now?”
Nerdy: “You’re already too tired to be running AND going out. You know you NEED the running!!”
Wicked: “Nobody’s dying if you skip this one. And haven’t seen the guys in AGES”
Nerdy: “AGES, exactly! That’s what it’ll take you to get back in shape if you keep on like this”
Wicked: “Come on, you DO need some chilling. You still have that muscular fever”
Me: “Tired…did you say TIRED? That’s exactly how I feel DEAD tired! How about grabbing a book and just going to bed?!”
Friday, November 07, 2008
Running in front of my laptop
What did I say I was going to do yesterday? Running? I think what I actually meant was I’ll have a watching “Grey’s Anatomy” marathon :)
Bad weather now, cold, windy and basically freezing. Not the most pleasant weather companion for any sport. Add to that the lack of sleep, sore muscles and a headache and instantly you understand my preference for Grey’s Anatomy.
And because I lost about 1.5 kg because of my erratic feeding I decided to splurge. With junk food. I know, I know, pathetic! But I get to eat only about 2 times a day lately, and it's all salads, veggies and crappy healthy stuff. I needed some CHIPS!!! And CHOCOLATE!! Yum...all acompanied by champagne :))
Song for today - Alanis Morissette, Thank You
Bad weather now, cold, windy and basically freezing. Not the most pleasant weather companion for any sport. Add to that the lack of sleep, sore muscles and a headache and instantly you understand my preference for Grey’s Anatomy.
And because I lost about 1.5 kg because of my erratic feeding I decided to splurge. With junk food. I know, I know, pathetic! But I get to eat only about 2 times a day lately, and it's all salads, veggies and crappy healthy stuff. I needed some CHIPS!!! And CHOCOLATE!! Yum...all acompanied by champagne :))
Song for today - Alanis Morissette, Thank You
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Tired old hag
Been to the climbing gym two days in a row. Because of my long break with holidays and projects I climb like a rookie again (not that I was far better before, but hell, this is still regress). My muscles ache and I’m contemplating the idea of spending the evening in bed. But today I have running on my schedule.
*sigh* what one will do for looks :)
*sigh* what one will do for looks :)
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Eat, Pray, Love
I finished last night a very nice book called “Eat, Pray, Love”. It a story of a depressed woman who faces a failed marriage, pressure to have a child she doesn’t want, and when she finally decides to put an end to it her divorce turns very ugly. Struggling to find out who she is, what she wants, and to learn how to be happy she takes a very interesting voyage:- 4 months in Italy, learning Italian just for the sheer pleasure of it, and basically eating all the pasta she can get (she gains 12kg)
- 4 months in India, meditating in an ashram, learning about divinity
- 4 months in Bali (Indonesia), working with a witch doctor, and finding her love
I liked it so much because it’s very personal, honest and straight in your face. It deals with fundamental human fears: is there a God, how can I become in touch with my inner self, what makes me happy, who am I, what will I leave behind. But there are no “big words”, just an painstaking honesty about everything she goes through. I recommend it for anybody who feels lost and is soul searching. And it’s mostly a woman’s book I guess, so guys proceed with care :)
Because today I feel especially full of life and joy I want to share a special song: Libiamo from Verdi’s La Traviata, sang by Pavarotti and Joan Sutherland (I love these two)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Home Alone
For a few days i’ve started my „one month home alone”. I don’t think I ever lived by myself alone for so long. No....not ever. I always lived with my family, friends, roommates, boyfriend, indulging every once in awhile on a few days of loneliness. But this is a month! (technically a month and a half)! My first thoughts:
I find it completely weird that I am perfectly capable of living on my own, but I am so incapable of living alone. Like a skill i never learnt, and I was now scared I’d be forced into learning it. So I awaited slightly neurotic for the first day of complete loneliness. As it came closer I started ploing “escape plans”: filling my agenda with all kind of meetings, friends, theather, exhibitions, etc. Everything to spend most of my time outside the house, and surrounded by other people.
Then something interesting happened the first night: I slept soundly throughout the night, and woke up to gentle sunlight. I had a huge bed all to myself, and I spent about half an hour spoiling myself between the sheets, and refusing to wake up completely. I love late mornings in bed! I cooked breakfast, made tea and sat eating quietly. Same the next morning and the one after. I realized all of sudden how quiet and peaceful I started to feel. Like all this time I’ve been surrounded by some background noise from all the other people around me, from the TV, even from my loved ones. And with all that noise gone I finally started hearing my own thoughts.
It felt like seeing an old friend: “Oh, hi, there you were. I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?” “Well, I was here in your head all this time. But you were kinda busy, so I just sat quietly.” “I didn’t notice you. It’s good to see you again, I realise now how much I missed you” “I missed you too, we have some catching up to do”
Another interesting thing is that I started loving the house I’m in. And I say interesting because so far I always felt like a guest there, and I was determined to move out. It’s not my place, not my furniture, not my style. But now I actually enjoy cleaning up the house, and finding small things to “beautify” it. I feel safe and sheltered. I feel home...
A song for today, Alexandrina Hristov, La femme qui t'aime
- OMG, what will I do alone for so long? I will become sad and lonely and eventually depressed!!
- What if I wake up during the night and can’t go back to sleep? (I don’t thing I ever mentioned but I’m afraid of the dark....no, really I am!)
- What if someone tries to break in? Should I sleep with some weapon in the bedroom? Should I triple lock the door?
- What if I forget to feed the fish, and they all die on me? (Yes, we have fish as pets. No, not my idea.)
I find it completely weird that I am perfectly capable of living on my own, but I am so incapable of living alone. Like a skill i never learnt, and I was now scared I’d be forced into learning it. So I awaited slightly neurotic for the first day of complete loneliness. As it came closer I started ploing “escape plans”: filling my agenda with all kind of meetings, friends, theather, exhibitions, etc. Everything to spend most of my time outside the house, and surrounded by other people.
Then something interesting happened the first night: I slept soundly throughout the night, and woke up to gentle sunlight. I had a huge bed all to myself, and I spent about half an hour spoiling myself between the sheets, and refusing to wake up completely. I love late mornings in bed! I cooked breakfast, made tea and sat eating quietly. Same the next morning and the one after. I realized all of sudden how quiet and peaceful I started to feel. Like all this time I’ve been surrounded by some background noise from all the other people around me, from the TV, even from my loved ones. And with all that noise gone I finally started hearing my own thoughts.
It felt like seeing an old friend: “Oh, hi, there you were. I haven’t seen you in a while. Where have you been?” “Well, I was here in your head all this time. But you were kinda busy, so I just sat quietly.” “I didn’t notice you. It’s good to see you again, I realise now how much I missed you” “I missed you too, we have some catching up to do”
Another interesting thing is that I started loving the house I’m in. And I say interesting because so far I always felt like a guest there, and I was determined to move out. It’s not my place, not my furniture, not my style. But now I actually enjoy cleaning up the house, and finding small things to “beautify” it. I feel safe and sheltered. I feel home...
A song for today, Alexandrina Hristov, La femme qui t'aime