About Me
- Name: ioana
- Location: Bucharest, Romania
I experiment with myself and the world around me. I always seek for that small sparkle of what's real and authentic in things, people, nature...
With the risk of becoming boring, I have lost myself again. Somewhere buried under contradictions lays a self that I am looking for. Myself, that is.
It’s been some months now since I plunged in the meanders of my mind and soul, to search for the authentic me, and to set down the steps for the future. My future, that is. I both enjoyed and loathed the process, since I made me discover, and more important admit many facets of me. And more important, I realized loosing, searching and finding yourself is not something to be done only when you need to set course for the future, but it’s a constant. Constant process, that is.
I can barely count the times I’ve felt the pieces of myself simply crumpling through my fingers after I tried so hard to put them together. And just because I asked myself “what if?” What if I kept going with aiesec? What if I remained in Romania? What if I got back with my ex-boyfriend and moved to Singapore? For some the inner voice said “no, it’s not what you really want” for others I went ahead and explored the opportunity. The tough part in this is to really loose yourself. I discovered this only recently, until now I believed the key is to keep balance and hold on to yourself in this dizziness of challenges and questions. That some pillars should remain there, should be a constant. Well, pillars are good, but pillars can change, and even if you feel that everything is falling apart when you break them, new pillars will arise soon.
I got jet lag, and I haven’t even left the ground
Oh, I’m so hung over, and I never even touched a drop
There is logic though: I know I’m feeling clueless because time comes to leave aiesec and build a new path. I’ve seen this stage with everyone before, and I know I am bound to be like this until the steps for the future are clear for me. But one thing I changed last week is the search, I am not going to search for the future anymore. Instead, I decided to simply let it stumble upon me. It’s not that I will become static and drop acting. I simply feel that the time now is to be clueless. That this is how I should be for awhile and I don’t want to redefine myself just for the sake of having me defined.
The beauty of things is that sometimes they just have a way of their own to settle down. That after many wonders and struggles (and sometimes also failures) you find an amazing chance simply stumbling over you and is by far better than anything you might have found in your struggles!
Some things I know:
- My family is very important for me
- I love Pixi
- I need to build and contribute
- I like to live on the wildside
Some things I don’t know:
- where I will be after June 15th
- what will I do as professional career
- will I have a relationship with the one I love
- how I will build and contribute
Nevertheless, I am Zen. Clueless. Lost. Not searching. The future is about to happen.
Song (and conclusion) of the day: Wear.
Dana, my sister, turned 19 two days ago! Love, may you find this year all the passion, craziness and good time in the world! May you explore the world within and outside you, and discover its wonders. Love you, sis :) A brief from the Pisces horoscope:
Element: WaterAstrological quality: Mutable (i.e. flexibility)Ruling Planet: Neptune
Career Planet: Pluto
Love Planet: Mercury
Money Planet: Mars
Planet of Health and Work: Sun
Planet of Home and Family Life: Mercury
Colours: blue-green
Gems: white diamond
Metals: tin
Strongest virtues: sensitivity, psychic power, altruism
Deepest need : spiritual illumination
Weaknesses: negative moods, keeping bad company
Now usually I would state this from the comfort of a relationship and a boyfriend, mocking the commercialism of the day…but….this year…..one of the reasons I dislike, hate and totally loathe it is because I am single! And I became sick and tired of all the cuddling-honeybunny-sweety couples hugging, kissing and giggling around me. It’s becoming like an annoying background noise that you ignore for hours, until you notice it for a second, and then it seams to be so loud that it deafens you!
Yes, I know I am overreacting, and it’s actually not a big deal, after all it’s just a day and I didn’t used to pay any notice to it before. But excuse me if I need to act like a spoiled and wicked brat part (most) of the time, and admit that today I am not comfortable being single, and today I’d rather surrender to the commercialism of the day and buy those silly heart-shaped stuffs.
As revenge, I will spend my evening in the most possible unromantic way I found: drinking beer!! Perhaps you don’t know, but if there is something I dislike more than commercial days, is beer. And I almost never drink any beer, a sip or two in most awkward occasion.
Some lyrics crossing my mind, very much resonating with my mood:
Me, myself, I’m twisted,
You wont know you missed it!
And its ok if I’m a little bit crazy,
And I’m a little bit insane? Well, maybe
And it’s just a little something,
But I’d rather be me than nothing
And it’s ok if I’m a little bit crazy
I always believed my mind is where most of my beauty lays. That beyond any good or bad experiment with my looks, true beauty rests within my thoughts, my inquiries, and my ability to merge the imagination into the real life. Just the other days a friend told me that I tend to be somehow immature over chasing many dreams, which I rarely turn intro action. Right, it is so! I need to feel and experiment far beyond the possibilities of real life. I need to play with time and space, to project myself in the legends of the past, or to create stories of the future. Sometimes that’s all I need, other times I find something truly valuable and take it down to earth. Like my need to write, I can dream all I want about being a writer, but it doesn’t fulfill me until I see myself pouring the words on paper.
Scary thought from the movie: what happens when imagination takes over your real world?
Positive thought from the movie: get back to math exercises. I lost mathematics when I switched from informatics high school to Economics University. My mother always used to say that the science-of-all-sciences are mathematics, that you can find it in all aspects of the life, from biology to business. Again, I have to give it to my mom, she is right. Mathematical equations are is all aspects of our life, from the structure of the surrounding to the equations of life.
Algebra is my favorite subject. It’s a form of meditation I guess, I used to find much satisfaction is the hours I spend with calculus, equations, and analysis. I’ll ask my father for an exercise book the next time I go home.
It will probably take me a few more days to filter the thoughts, I feel I cannot find the right words now, since I’ve learned lessons about cultures, love, obedience, religion. I will let a character speak instead:
“Now sleep. Karma is Karma. Remember, in tranquility that the Absolute, the Tao, is within thee, that no priest or cult or dogma or book or saying or teaching or teacher stands between you and it. Know that Good and Evil are irrelevant, I and You are irrelevant, Inside and Outside irrelevant as are Life and Death. Enter into the sphere where there is no fear of death or hope of afterlife, where you are free of the impediments of life or the needs of salvation. You are thyself the Tao. Be yourself, now, a rock against which the waves of life rush in vain....."