ioana
in quest for genuine
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About Me
- Name: ioana
- Location: Bucharest, Romania
I experiment with myself and the world around me. I always seek for that small sparkle of what's real and authentic in things, people, nature...
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Thursday, March 20, 2008
Odd...
…how sometimes a ray of sunshine, good music and a sinful but in the same time blissful smoke of a cigar can make your day. And I realized again that the world is not such a bad place after all :)
Life's good!
Life's good!
Monday, March 10, 2008
(in)dependence
It is said that solitude gives birth to monsters. My solitude usually gives birth to peace and serenity. Being alone with myself is a moment of reassurance, a time of reinvention, a second of very much needed tranquility. Even at times when my relationship with myself is not at its best, introspection (desired or not) helps me fight the good fight, be it with the world or with myself.
This is one those moments when I’m not at best terms with myself. I carry a sadness with me which burdens me so hard that I feel it’s almost physical. I could hold it in my hands like heavy drops of water, fluid and heavy. Questioning my status quo usually brings out feelings like this – confusion, sadness, even anger sometimes. But these are exactly what fuels me, nothing more creative than to start a fire once in a while. Today my torment is my independence.
independence (plural independences)
1. The state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by, others; self-subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.
2. The state of having sufficient means for a comfortable livelihood.
I know I can always count on myself. Left alone on the bottom of the sea with no compass or going through the woods alone at night with no light, I am sure of myself. Come what may, I will handle it somehow. I was brought up to rely on myself and throughout some harsh experiences I came to know I can do that. So independence is my natural state-of-being.
This is why it is perhaps so difficult for me to allow myself to become dependent. I despise it! Not that I cannot allow myself to be weak, I realize the good in that. But I cannot be in a place where I am at the hand of another. I don’t ask to make the rules, but I require to know them. And I will let myself be hurt if I know it’s for a greater good. And I will accept that landing on my feet is not enough anymore, and I will care to place a safety for you when we fall.
But I cannot accept control to the point where I am being suffocated. Nor can I be in a place that requires for me to be someone else. What is the point in that? We all are a sum of goods and bads, and more than changing each other we must first try to understand and accept each other. Otherwise change becomes futile, serving alone the selfish purpose of imprinting our opinions over others. I don’t know if there is beauty in being independent, but I know this is something I respect in others and in myself. And while I am ready to let go of self-subsistence, I will never be ready to let go of freedom…
This is one those moments when I’m not at best terms with myself. I carry a sadness with me which burdens me so hard that I feel it’s almost physical. I could hold it in my hands like heavy drops of water, fluid and heavy. Questioning my status quo usually brings out feelings like this – confusion, sadness, even anger sometimes. But these are exactly what fuels me, nothing more creative than to start a fire once in a while. Today my torment is my independence.
independence (plural independences)
1. The state or quality of being independent; freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by, others; self-subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.
2. The state of having sufficient means for a comfortable livelihood.
I know I can always count on myself. Left alone on the bottom of the sea with no compass or going through the woods alone at night with no light, I am sure of myself. Come what may, I will handle it somehow. I was brought up to rely on myself and throughout some harsh experiences I came to know I can do that. So independence is my natural state-of-being.
independence
This is why it is perhaps so difficult for me to allow myself to become dependent. I despise it! Not that I cannot allow myself to be weak, I realize the good in that. But I cannot be in a place where I am at the hand of another. I don’t ask to make the rules, but I require to know them. And I will let myself be hurt if I know it’s for a greater good. And I will accept that landing on my feet is not enough anymore, and I will care to place a safety for you when we fall.
But I cannot accept control to the point where I am being suffocated. Nor can I be in a place that requires for me to be someone else. What is the point in that? We all are a sum of goods and bads, and more than changing each other we must first try to understand and accept each other. Otherwise change becomes futile, serving alone the selfish purpose of imprinting our opinions over others. I don’t know if there is beauty in being independent, but I know this is something I respect in others and in myself. And while I am ready to let go of self-subsistence, I will never be ready to let go of freedom…